That Thing You Do...

As a recovering anorexic, it's often very hard for me on a day to day basis to maintain my focus because of all the temptations. It's a much different addiction than most others, because the addiction is played out everywhere around us. I know from experience that I am drawn to tabloid magazines and any image with an emaciated or thin women on it. I also know that this is my addiction. Every time I look at these images that I am so drawn to, I feel like crap afterward...so why the crap so I look at them?! I know I used to justify this self-destructive behavior by saying, "this will make me work harder, eat less, lose more", because I knew the images would make me feel bad about myself, and it would motivate me. Now I am trying to get out of this rut I have created for myself, where I still want to do this destructive behavior, even though I am trying to get well. Most people with eating disorders know exactly what I am talking about, this idea of "thinspiration", an unhealthy ideal that will perhaps forever cloud our minds. Whether or not I am drawn to thinness, it does not mean I have to continually subject myself to these images and then the horrible self hatred that follows. To be perfectly honest, I find myself doing this and don't always even realize it, that is how normal it is. I would go as far as to say that it provides a kind of high that keeps us coming back for more...like a real drug. Even if you don't have an eating disorder, I feel like many people can relate to this sort of behavior, because I see women, and men, looking at the tabloids all the time, and we all know that these magazines aren't going to boost self-esteem! Yet they continue to read them...so it's a universally destructive behavior that I think we all need to be more aware of, so we can work to change it. I think this is a good step in learning to love yourself more...not being so obsessed with what you could be, and focusing more on what you are, and what your own potential is.