Anorexia vs. Recovery: A Compromise?

Recovering from any addiction is not easy, and takes hard work each and every day. When I was first told that I would have to 'recover', I dismissed the idea completely like most anorexics. I fought tooth and nail for a long time to hold onto my disorder because I was not ready to even attempt to give it up. Part of me didn't want to even try because when someone mentioned the word 'recovery', I had an idea of an impossible goal in my mind. I knew that no matter what, I was never going to think like a normal person, and I was never going to behave like a normal person, because I'm not normal when it comes to this realm of life. It was frustrating for people to say that I should want to get better, because part of me did. A problem always arose when I found the lifestyle I thought I should be living in 'recovery' to be unmanageable. I believe the problem is that unlike alcohol or drugs, you cannot just avoid this addiction, you must face it head on and learn to embrace it, because you must eat to live, of course. Thus comes the challenge that I was faced with, what was the meaning of recovery? I believe for everyone it is different, and each person must find their own way. I've learned to define my recovery as the ability to live my day to day life with a compromise. This worked better for me than any other recovery advice I've ever gotten. Life has to be manageable, with or without the disease. I was told that counting calories was not a good idea, but I have never been able to stop, since I count them in my head, and so do most other anorexics. I found that counting them helped me not freak out, because I felt safe, because I knew what I had eaten. Yes, yes, yes, I know this is an anorexic thought, but like I said, for me it's about compromise. Another thing that I had to compromise to set my mind at ease was with the scale...that whole no weighing yourself thing....that was not for me! I would go crazy thinking about what I weighed, and then I would worry more about what I was eating...anyways...I decided it was the lesser of two evils to weigh myself. I will be honest, I weigh myself quite often, around two times a day, plus or minus....but it's less than what I used to. In no way do I believe I am completely recovered, and I don't know if I ever will be. This may be my kind of recovery, because I'm able to live a fulfilling life at a healthy weight and eating a good balanced diet. This is the first time since my eating disorder started that I've ever felt any sort of normalcy. I don't know what recovery means to everyone else, but to me it means being able to manage the disease that I feel will always be dormant inside me. I'm happy to say at this point in my life I'm managing it instead of it managing me!