Can you choose to have an eating disorder?

This is a very interesting and highly debated topic. Many outsiders will look at someone with an eating disorder and wonder why they choose to live that way. Most people with eating disorders will defend themselves by saying, "I don't choose this, it's a disease" (or something to that extent). In my opinion, both are correct. Anorexia is clearly a disease/addiction, and most people need help in order to recover. This being said, I believe that many anorexics chose the lifestyle to begin with, and then became so consumed that their choice turned into an addiction. Looking at my own life, I made a clear choice to pursue self-starvation in order to lose weight and become thin. This process was intoxicating, and I slowly became less and less in control of my actions.

For many people, the process of developing an eating disorder is less clear. Some people may start a diet with perfectly good intentions and become addicted. Unfortunately, many people with eating disorders also choose to play the victim which only furthers their disease. Even addicts must choose to get better, so choice is always part of the process. Those who say they have no choice are not being honest with themselves or others.

"But you don't look anorexic..."

For quite a few years I have been in the recovery phase of an eating disorder. When first recovering, maintaining my weight was very difficult, and I often ended up losing and gaining weight over and over again. This cycle was brought on by my fear of looking fat or even average sized. The hardest part about gaining weight was the fear that people wouldn't think I looked anorexic. This thought in itself reflects how disordered my thoughts were. Because anorexia was such a big part of my identity, the thought that people wouldn't recognize my eating disorder made me feel that I was losing a part of myself, and unfortunately it felt like anorexia was one of the bigger parts of my identity. In order to get better, I realized that I needed to separate myself from the eating disorder.

Nowadays I approach the subject somewhat differently. I am in a very different place in my life than when I was very thin, and most of the people around me don't know about my past history of anorexia. I have decided to remain somewhat tight lipped about this because I feel that if others knew, I would feel more insecure about the way I look. There is always an expectation that comes with having an eating disorder, and I don't want people to question my food choices or weight, but I also don't want people to be weird about these subjects. I talk about food and weight the way any other average person might, and don't feel self-conscious or judged. Even though I have been in recovery for quite some time, the thought that someone might mention how "normal" I look still makes me feel uneasy.

Some might believe that I'm trying to hide my disorder or protect it by being secretive, but I believe I am just trying to protect myself. I spent so much time in my past trying to get people to see me instead of my issues, and I finally feel like I have a clean slate (being in college). I also feel that talking about my past eating disorder is unlikely to help anyone, and more likely to cause someone else to feel uneasy or to repeat the same actions.

My Struggle With Body Dysmorphia

A couple of years ago, around the time my anorexia became manageable, I started to notice some different compulsive behaviors emerging. These behaviors troubled me more than my eating disorder compulsions, because I didn't understand them. Things such as constant mirror checking, feeling repulsive, and excessive makeup application began controlling my life. For the first time in my life, I began to notice the power of facial beauty, and weight became slightly less important. In hindsight, I can see that my eating disorder only changed form, it did not become manageable as I had originally thought. My obsessions and compulsions became focused on a different target, but the feelings and emotions were still the same. I felt inadequate and insignificant.

When the obsessions and compulsions began to take over my life, I felt powerless and embarrassed that I could lose myself to vanity. This idea is still something I struggle with; this disease makes me feel superficial and dumb. It wasn't until I researched body dysmorphia that I began to understand that my behaviors were quite normal for people with BDD. For some reason, even though I know my body dysmorphia is equivalent to my eating disorder struggles, I have always felt very different about them. BDD feels superficial and embarrassing to explain to others, but anorexia was never something I felt ashamed of.

I think one of the worst parts of the disease has been how ridiculous I feel when I am having an "episode". My eating disorder was more of a constant struggle, whereas my BDD waxes and wanes. I am always self-conscious about the way I look, but only sometimes do I feel paralyzed by my obsessions and rituals. I call these times my episodes. During these times I often find that nothing I do makes me look any better. I feel repulsive before and after makeup, and may spend hours applying and reapplying makeup in an effort to make the sinking feeling go away. During this time I also feel an unhinging amount of anxiety and doom, and often withdraw from others as much as possible. These episodes are debilitating, all consuming and appear endless. Then, just as quickly as they started, they stop for a while. I am unsure why these episodes come and go, but believe they may have a hormonal link. I have been unable to find a solution so far, but am continually searching for a way to break free from these chains.    

Personal Disclosure

Personal disclosure is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I often find it difficult to tell others how I am feeling or ask for help because I do not want to burden them with my problems. This probably stems from my childhood when I was often taught to minimize my problems by comparing them to others with more serious concerns. This type of reasoning was not all bad, and I think would have been helpful had my personality been different. I was never the type to talk about my problems, I usually kept to myself and tried to solve things before anyone knew there was a problem. This type of problem solving, combined with the idea that my problems were never as bad as other's problems, made me feel ashamed of my struggles, and often caused me to further isolate myself. This type of thinking still causes me to withdraw from people today. When I am feeling depressed or struggling with my body image, it is extremely difficult for me to tell anyone. At times I will confide in my fiancé about my issues, but usually I am extremely vague or tell him about the problem after I have already solved it. This is something I am continuing to work on, and still only feel comfortable telling one person. I often am afraid that once I tell someone something, they will forever be able to hold it against me. This might sound paranoid, but in my past experience, others' knowledge about me has come back to bite me later. My trust issues only further the problem. I look forward to the day when I don't feel uncomfortable talking about my problems, and feel comfortable enough to ask for help. I encourage you to find someone trust worthy and close to share some of your personal feelings with. It may be difficult at first, but in time, you may find your problems seem more manageable when you have someone to confide in.