"But you don't look anorexic..."

For quite a few years I have been in the recovery phase of an eating disorder. When first recovering, maintaining my weight was very difficult, and I often ended up losing and gaining weight over and over again. This cycle was brought on by my fear of looking fat or even average sized. The hardest part about gaining weight was the fear that people wouldn't think I looked anorexic. This thought in itself reflects how disordered my thoughts were. Because anorexia was such a big part of my identity, the thought that people wouldn't recognize my eating disorder made me feel that I was losing a part of myself, and unfortunately it felt like anorexia was one of the bigger parts of my identity. In order to get better, I realized that I needed to separate myself from the eating disorder.

Nowadays I approach the subject somewhat differently. I am in a very different place in my life than when I was very thin, and most of the people around me don't know about my past history of anorexia. I have decided to remain somewhat tight lipped about this because I feel that if others knew, I would feel more insecure about the way I look. There is always an expectation that comes with having an eating disorder, and I don't want people to question my food choices or weight, but I also don't want people to be weird about these subjects. I talk about food and weight the way any other average person might, and don't feel self-conscious or judged. Even though I have been in recovery for quite some time, the thought that someone might mention how "normal" I look still makes me feel uneasy.

Some might believe that I'm trying to hide my disorder or protect it by being secretive, but I believe I am just trying to protect myself. I spent so much time in my past trying to get people to see me instead of my issues, and I finally feel like I have a clean slate (being in college). I also feel that talking about my past eating disorder is unlikely to help anyone, and more likely to cause someone else to feel uneasy or to repeat the same actions.