Saturday, March 2, 2013

Can you choose to have an eating disorder?

This is a very interesting and highly debated topic. Many outsiders will look at someone with an eating disorder and wonder why they choose to live that way. Most people with eating disorders will defend themselves by saying, "I don't choose this, it's a disease" (or something to that extent). In my opinion, both are correct. Anorexia is clearly a disease/addiction, and most people need help in order to recover. This being said, I believe that many anorexics chose the lifestyle to begin with, and then became so consumed that their choice turned into an addiction. Looking at my own life, I made a clear choice to pursue self-starvation in order to lose weight and become thin. This process was intoxicating, and I slowly became less and less in control of my actions.

For many people, the process of developing an eating disorder is less clear. Some people may start a diet with perfectly good intentions and become addicted. Unfortunately, many people with eating disorders also choose to play the victim which only furthers their disease. Even addicts must choose to get better, so choice is always part of the process. Those who say they have no choice are not being honest with themselves or others.

"But you don't look anorexic..."

For quite a few years I have been in the recovery phase of an eating disorder. When first recovering, maintaining my weight was very difficult, and I often ended up losing and gaining weight over and over again. This cycle was brought on by my fear of looking fat or even average sized. The hardest part about gaining weight was the fear that people wouldn't think I looked anorexic. This thought in itself reflects how disordered my thoughts were. Because anorexia was such a big part of my identity, the thought that people wouldn't recognize my eating disorder made me feel that I was losing a part of myself, and unfortunately it felt like anorexia was one of the bigger parts of my identity. In order to get better, I realized that I needed to separate myself from the eating disorder.

Nowadays I approach the subject somewhat differently. I am in a very different place in my life than when I was very thin, and most of the people around me don't know about my past history of anorexia. I have decided to remain somewhat tight lipped about this because I feel that if others knew, I would feel more insecure about the way I look. There is always an expectation that comes with having an eating disorder, and I don't want people to question my food choices or weight, but I also don't want people to be weird about these subjects. I talk about food and weight the way any other average person might, and don't feel self-conscious or judged. Even though I have been in recovery for quite some time, the thought that someone might mention how "normal" I look still makes me feel uneasy.

Some might believe that I'm trying to hide my disorder or protect it by being secretive, but I believe I am just trying to protect myself. I spent so much time in my past trying to get people to see me instead of my issues, and I finally feel like I have a clean slate (being in college). I also feel that talking about my past eating disorder is unlikely to help anyone, and more likely to cause someone else to feel uneasy or to repeat the same actions.