My Struggle With Body Dysmorphia

A couple of years ago, around the time my anorexia became manageable, I started to notice some different compulsive behaviors emerging. These behaviors troubled me more than my eating disorder compulsions, because I didn't understand them. Things such as constant mirror checking, feeling repulsive, and excessive makeup application began controlling my life. For the first time in my life, I began to notice the power of facial beauty, and weight became slightly less important. In hindsight, I can see that my eating disorder only changed form, it did not become manageable as I had originally thought. My obsessions and compulsions became focused on a different target, but the feelings and emotions were still the same. I felt inadequate and insignificant.

When the obsessions and compulsions began to take over my life, I felt powerless and embarrassed that I could lose myself to vanity. This idea is still something I struggle with; this disease makes me feel superficial and dumb. It wasn't until I researched body dysmorphia that I began to understand that my behaviors were quite normal for people with BDD. For some reason, even though I know my body dysmorphia is equivalent to my eating disorder struggles, I have always felt very different about them. BDD feels superficial and embarrassing to explain to others, but anorexia was never something I felt ashamed of.

I think one of the worst parts of the disease has been how ridiculous I feel when I am having an "episode". My eating disorder was more of a constant struggle, whereas my BDD waxes and wanes. I am always self-conscious about the way I look, but only sometimes do I feel paralyzed by my obsessions and rituals. I call these times my episodes. During these times I often find that nothing I do makes me look any better. I feel repulsive before and after makeup, and may spend hours applying and reapplying makeup in an effort to make the sinking feeling go away. During this time I also feel an unhinging amount of anxiety and doom, and often withdraw from others as much as possible. These episodes are debilitating, all consuming and appear endless. Then, just as quickly as they started, they stop for a while. I am unsure why these episodes come and go, but believe they may have a hormonal link. I have been unable to find a solution so far, but am continually searching for a way to break free from these chains.    

Personal Disclosure

Personal disclosure is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I often find it difficult to tell others how I am feeling or ask for help because I do not want to burden them with my problems. This probably stems from my childhood when I was often taught to minimize my problems by comparing them to others with more serious concerns. This type of reasoning was not all bad, and I think would have been helpful had my personality been different. I was never the type to talk about my problems, I usually kept to myself and tried to solve things before anyone knew there was a problem. This type of problem solving, combined with the idea that my problems were never as bad as other's problems, made me feel ashamed of my struggles, and often caused me to further isolate myself. This type of thinking still causes me to withdraw from people today. When I am feeling depressed or struggling with my body image, it is extremely difficult for me to tell anyone. At times I will confide in my fiancé about my issues, but usually I am extremely vague or tell him about the problem after I have already solved it. This is something I am continuing to work on, and still only feel comfortable telling one person. I often am afraid that once I tell someone something, they will forever be able to hold it against me. This might sound paranoid, but in my past experience, others' knowledge about me has come back to bite me later. My trust issues only further the problem. I look forward to the day when I don't feel uncomfortable talking about my problems, and feel comfortable enough to ask for help. I encourage you to find someone trust worthy and close to share some of your personal feelings with. It may be difficult at first, but in time, you may find your problems seem more manageable when you have someone to confide in.