First Comes Identity, Then Comes Intimacy...

Growing up, I obviously had countless struggles, faced some head on, and continued to have a hard time with some of the others. One of my biggest struggles was obviously that of anorexia, for a variety of reasons. When I was young it didn't always occur to me that I was placing all of my identity in an eating disorder. I lived, ate and breathed everything about my addiction, and had no time for much else. I have always thought that I could not live without it, and because of that, it has seeped inside me, and become part of me, my identity. This did not seem like a big deal, and in fact, I rather liked it for many years. I continued with my life, pretending that a part of me had not been replaced by an eating disorder. It was not until I got into a serious relationship that it finally came to me, I had NO idea who I was! I had been wondering around life clueless, and now I realized it because it was arising conflict in my relationship. It was not until then that I really cared either, because I didn't feel like I could have a full and satisfying relationship while still investing part of myself in this eating disorder. Some might say...I can have both, eating disorder AND relationship. I would beg to differ, because an eating disorder aims to take up all your time and energy, making your one TRUE goal and priority thinness, making the relationship come second, and this will obviously never work. I still struggle with finding my identity, because it has been unclear for so long, but my ability to see that I need to try to find a separate identity from my addictions before I can have a healthy relationship is my first step. I try to not get discouraged and remember how long I've had my eating disorder...it's going to take some time to unlearn all of the bad habits I acquired...but I know it's possible...