I've felt alone with this disease for quite some time. It's hard to trust people with my secrets, and I'm always weary of people. For so long all I wanted was a buddy to starve with me. I guess it was about more than just that, I wanted someone that understood me, who thought like me, and who I could share my deepest secrets with, and who completely agreed and felt the same way. It is extremely hard to find a confidant like that, especially because the disease is so secretive, and because I am so secretive. Plus the fact that I find most people are not the kind of people that I could get that close to, they are not like me. It's hard to keep all of my secrets inside, because I often feel like I'm rotting away from the inside out. The secrets I have haunt me, everyday, and sometimes I just feel like it would be nice to get them off my chest, but if someone doesn't understand, I'm not going to go bearing my soul and sounding like an idiot.
After I started trying to recover, I changed a little, and decided that I wanted someone who had been through what I had, but was on the same path as me, recovery. It is obvious that hanging out with people who are not actively seeking recovery would send me right back into a tailspin, but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who has been through that sort of stuff, but as her head on straight. Perhaps it's truly hard to find that person, or it has been for me, because I've seen darkness, true darkness, and it feels like I need a friend who has seen it to. I have a passion for the things that hurt me, self-destruction. Many people don't understand this, find it crazy even, and many are on the borderline. I've always been drawn to the people that have been the most broken, or are the most broken. I feel like they relate to me more than anyone else.
Tonight I met someone. She seemed nice, vivacious, beautiful....I was jealous. We got to talking and she revealed to me many things about her life that were similar to mine, including the fact that she had and still struggles with an eating disorder. I also admitted that I still struggle with anorexia, and have for years. Our conversation went on for a couple hours, and I felt comforted in the fact that she understood me and visa versa. I hope I can form a good friendship with her, it would be amazing to have someone like her close, and there for support. I feel like God brought me to where I was...and I didn't even know why until the end of the night. It's incredible how things work! She actually has the same major as me too...how crazy huh?! Anyways, I feel less alone in the world right now...and I hope that you all can find a friend, eating survivor or not, to share your true feelings with, because otherwise, it's a very lonely lifestyle...Remember, I am always here if you would like someone to talk to, I know sometimes it's hard to talk to the people around you.
No comments:
Post a Comment