Ever since the beginning of my anorexia, I have been unable to let go of my thin ideals. I will be the first to admit that recovery for me was out of the question for quite a while because I was unwilling to gain weight. This sabotaged my recovery and general health for many years. I finally realized that my extremely low weight was unmanageable if I wanted to have any sort of real life. This was a turning point in my relationship with my body and my eating disorder. I looked into the future and I wanted friends and happiness (those of which I currently didn't have).
My eating disorder has caused my weight to go up and down more times than I can count. I realized that getting down to an extremely thin weight would only cause me to have to gain the weight back (possibly forced in a hospital), and then to lose it again I would have to go to extremes once again. This cycle did not particularly appeal to me, because like most, I wanted to have control over my weight.
So I decided to make a deal with myself that if I could maintain a fairly low weight, one that was healthy but still fairly thin, then I could still have control over my weight and do it in a much healthier way. This pact has truly helped quite a bit. I have figured out how to slightly, but not fully, trust my body and have not resorted to starving myself to lose weight. I owe much of my success to my current Candida diet for helping to heal my body/metabolism.
For me, this has been a healing process. I believe that I walk a tightrope with this pact I've made with myself. I think that I've found a current solution to my problem, but it is not perfect. I have days where I still freak out because the scale tells me I've gained weight (probably water weight), and I feel just as I used to, out of control. I am still learning how to control these emotions, but to me the fact that I am able to function is a huge step in the right direction.
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