Ever since I can remember, I have always been addicted to something. Whether it was music, food, exercise, studying, watching tv or whatever else, I have always felt I needed something. This need has caused me to go to great lengths and do many things that probably seem outlandish or crazy. Unfortunately, the need is driven by a feeling of emptiness which is all encompassing at times. This emptiness has devoured me time and time again, until I become obsessed with finding my next "fix". Part of the obsession is the delusion that once I find the perfect fix, my thoughts will stop racing, the world will seem right again, and the hole inside me will fill up so I can feel complete. This quiet desperation has driven me to lie, cheat, steal and seclude myself from others.
I have often heard others discussing how sad the life of an addict must be. They pity them because they are controlled by an addiction greater then their own will. What many of them fail to understand is that addiction provides a level of comfort that the real world often cannot. Addiction is predictable and explainable. Most do not realize that real life can be so much more terrifying than living in addiction. This is why addicts must work hard to step out of their comfort zones and into the real world. This is something I am currently working on and often struggle with.
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