"But you don't look anorexic..."

For quite a few years I have been in the recovery phase of an eating disorder. When first recovering, maintaining my weight was very difficult, and I often ended up losing and gaining weight over and over again. This cycle was brought on by my fear of looking fat or even average sized. The hardest part about gaining weight was the fear that people wouldn't think I looked anorexic. This thought in itself reflects how disordered my thoughts were. Because anorexia was such a big part of my identity, the thought that people wouldn't recognize my eating disorder made me feel that I was losing a part of myself, and unfortunately it felt like anorexia was one of the bigger parts of my identity. In order to get better, I realized that I needed to separate myself from the eating disorder.

Nowadays I approach the subject somewhat differently. I am in a very different place in my life than when I was very thin, and most of the people around me don't know about my past history of anorexia. I have decided to remain somewhat tight lipped about this because I feel that if others knew, I would feel more insecure about the way I look. There is always an expectation that comes with having an eating disorder, and I don't want people to question my food choices or weight, but I also don't want people to be weird about these subjects. I talk about food and weight the way any other average person might, and don't feel self-conscious or judged. Even though I have been in recovery for quite some time, the thought that someone might mention how "normal" I look still makes me feel uneasy.

Some might believe that I'm trying to hide my disorder or protect it by being secretive, but I believe I am just trying to protect myself. I spent so much time in my past trying to get people to see me instead of my issues, and I finally feel like I have a clean slate (being in college). I also feel that talking about my past eating disorder is unlikely to help anyone, and more likely to cause someone else to feel uneasy or to repeat the same actions.

My Struggle With Body Dysmorphia

A couple of years ago, around the time my anorexia became manageable, I started to notice some different compulsive behaviors emerging. These behaviors troubled me more than my eating disorder compulsions, because I didn't understand them. Things such as constant mirror checking, feeling repulsive, and excessive makeup application began controlling my life. For the first time in my life, I began to notice the power of facial beauty, and weight became slightly less important. In hindsight, I can see that my eating disorder only changed form, it did not become manageable as I had originally thought. My obsessions and compulsions became focused on a different target, but the feelings and emotions were still the same. I felt inadequate and insignificant.

When the obsessions and compulsions began to take over my life, I felt powerless and embarrassed that I could lose myself to vanity. This idea is still something I struggle with; this disease makes me feel superficial and dumb. It wasn't until I researched body dysmorphia that I began to understand that my behaviors were quite normal for people with BDD. For some reason, even though I know my body dysmorphia is equivalent to my eating disorder struggles, I have always felt very different about them. BDD feels superficial and embarrassing to explain to others, but anorexia was never something I felt ashamed of.

I think one of the worst parts of the disease has been how ridiculous I feel when I am having an "episode". My eating disorder was more of a constant struggle, whereas my BDD waxes and wanes. I am always self-conscious about the way I look, but only sometimes do I feel paralyzed by my obsessions and rituals. I call these times my episodes. During these times I often find that nothing I do makes me look any better. I feel repulsive before and after makeup, and may spend hours applying and reapplying makeup in an effort to make the sinking feeling go away. During this time I also feel an unhinging amount of anxiety and doom, and often withdraw from others as much as possible. These episodes are debilitating, all consuming and appear endless. Then, just as quickly as they started, they stop for a while. I am unsure why these episodes come and go, but believe they may have a hormonal link. I have been unable to find a solution so far, but am continually searching for a way to break free from these chains.    

Personal Disclosure

Personal disclosure is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I often find it difficult to tell others how I am feeling or ask for help because I do not want to burden them with my problems. This probably stems from my childhood when I was often taught to minimize my problems by comparing them to others with more serious concerns. This type of reasoning was not all bad, and I think would have been helpful had my personality been different. I was never the type to talk about my problems, I usually kept to myself and tried to solve things before anyone knew there was a problem. This type of problem solving, combined with the idea that my problems were never as bad as other's problems, made me feel ashamed of my struggles, and often caused me to further isolate myself. This type of thinking still causes me to withdraw from people today. When I am feeling depressed or struggling with my body image, it is extremely difficult for me to tell anyone. At times I will confide in my fiancé about my issues, but usually I am extremely vague or tell him about the problem after I have already solved it. This is something I am continuing to work on, and still only feel comfortable telling one person. I often am afraid that once I tell someone something, they will forever be able to hold it against me. This might sound paranoid, but in my past experience, others' knowledge about me has come back to bite me later. My trust issues only further the problem. I look forward to the day when I don't feel uncomfortable talking about my problems, and feel comfortable enough to ask for help. I encourage you to find someone trust worthy and close to share some of your personal feelings with. It may be difficult at first, but in time, you may find your problems seem more manageable when you have someone to confide in.

Eating Disorder Isolation

There is a great deal of loneliness that comes with any eating disorder. I have felt this on and off ever since the beginning of my struggles. It is often difficult for me to connect with others, because I have been in my own world for so long that I have trouble relating to others. This realization, along with the fact that I have high anxiety in social situations, has often made me feel hopeless and depressed. This feeling is often alleviated though, by keeping myself busy. Unfortunately, the past couple summers have been slow and slightly boring. The monotony of time has made me question my significance and importance. Luckily the school year will start soon, and my schedule will pick up the pace! In order to get past the isolation, I need to break through the self-doubt and discomfort in order to establish positive and lasting relationships. This will be a continual struggle, but I am looking forward to opening myself up to new opportunities in the near future. 

Normal vs. Healthy

The words normal and healthy are often linked when it comes to diet and exercise. These words are so linked that they are often used interchangeably without hesitation. Unfortunately, these words each represent something different, and equating the two ideas insinuates that what is normal must be healthy, and if something is not normal, it must be unhealthy. This is obviously false when looking at the rate of obesity and health problems in the U.S. today. It is not uncommon to hear that someone is obese or on countless medications, and yet people do not say that these things are healthy, despite the fact that they appear normal.

One of the greatest problems with defining either normal or healthy is that they are socially constructed ideas that often change. One could ask 100 people what each of these words means and receive 100 different ideas. Not only do individuals disagree on what these words mean, but research and science have been unable to come to a consensus either.

Probably the biggest reason that people cannot agree about these words is that they all have different priorities. Health may pertain to physical, social, spiritual, emotional, etc. Depending on what is important to a person, they may place health of one area as more important than another, but may also change their opinion over time. On the other hand, normal is constantly changing as society changes.

Unfortunately, the word abnormal has gotten a bad rap. In many cases, the word abnormal can actually be quite positive. For instance, look at the athletes who compete in the Olympics. These individuals are definitely not normal, they are extraordinary. This may mean that other parts of their lives get put on hold. To the average person, the lives of these athletes would appear extreme and unhealthy in many areas. Even with this knowledge, people do not believe this lifestyle to be negative, because the context makes is socially acceptable. People will often say something like, "of course these individuals sacrifice a great deal, but they are competing for a gold medal". This means that most people believe that sacrificing "health" is only ok when they believe the reward is worth the sacrifice.

To anyone who chooses to live an extreme lifestyle, they must believe that the reward is worth the sacrifices they make. This reward may not be apparent to the average person, but is definitely a large part of the individual's life. This is why I believe it is important not to judge others because their lifestyle is not "normal". Anyone choosing to live differently has a higher purpose in mind, just as those criticizing the individual have purpose for whatever lifestyle they choose to live.   

Getting Fit!

A while ago I posted that I was going to start p90x. Unfortunately, this plan fizzled out not long after I started it. I really did not enjoy the workouts, and found the videos quite annoying. Even though this plan failed, I have since begun a new workout regime that I am hoping will suite me better. I have started doing workouts from bodyrock. These workouts are centered around home fitness, and can be found on youtube for free! I love that they are short and to the point, and yet have made me sweat every time I do them. These exercises focus on high intensity and short duration. I have been doing at least 1 workout 5-6 days a week for the last 3 weeks and can already see a change in my endurance/stamina. I am hoping to tone my body and decrease my body fat percentage. In combination with working out, I have begun transitioning to a more high protein diet. I am working to challenge my disordered thoughts, and channel my negative drive into a healthy lifestyle change. This is just one step in my long journey of recovery.

What is "normal" dieting?

Until recently, I believe I was in the dark about what constitutes normal dieting. Because I have had much experience with unhealthy diets, I was surprised when I joined Pinterest and discovered what individuals considered "normal" dieting. Many of my peers have special boards dedicated to weight loss and health, and to my surprise, many of the things they repinned seemed oddly familiar because I have seen them on pro-anorexia type sites, as well as engaged in many of the behaviors myself. This realization saddened me, but helped me better understand the reality of society and eating disorder recovery. Recovery from any addiction is extremely difficult, but recovery in a society that praises sickness is so much more difficult. I believe that recovery does not just pertain to people with eating disorders, but rather to all of society. So many people have disordered thoughts about food and their bodies that treating only those diagnosed would be like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. I believe that "treatment" starts at home with parents. They have more influence usually than they realize, and often their influence stems from what they do, not what they say. I challenge everyone to start questioning these unhealthy ideas about food and body image!